Just the way I am 

It seems to some
I only have worth
When I’m well
When I’m happy
When I’ve got
My act together

I’m sorry
But I cant be
That person for you
Not now
Not ever

You like pretty things
Women who are fashionable
With the right clothes
Makeup
Hair
And thin body size

I used to be that person
You’d adore
And then I had the
Unfortunate experience
Of contracting several
Severe illnesses
And other chronic
Health conditions

They take everything out of me
And challenge me
Every day

While some days I can look
Pretty
Many other days
I have no choice
In the matter

I look tired
Swollen and sick
Like I’m not trying
Or maybe like
I’m dying

But the truth is
I’m trying
Oh so hard
To heal
To look and feel
My best

I’d rather not have it
This way either
But I need to have
People who love me
For what’s on the inside
Because I can tell you
There is a whole lot of
Good in there

If beauty were the
Gleam and kindness in
My heart
You would see how true
And beautiful I am

And not judge me by my
Messy, sloppy bun
Amidst a head of hair
That needed to be washed
Days ago
Or my puffy face
Puffy body
Simple clothes
Untoned arms
And dark-circled eyes

Next time
When you are getting ready
To look pretty
Like you like
In yourself
And others
Remember that not everyone
Has a choice

Sometimes we wake up feeling
Awful
And this can last
For days or weeks
On end

That is why I choose
To surround myself
With those
Who can see the beauty in my heart
And not just what shows
On the outside

May you remember this
Next time you want
To judge me

So it seems
We each have a lot to learn
About what constitutes beauty

May I accept in myself
What I know
Is possibly
Only a temporary gift
In others
For the fortunate few
And how quickly
Things can change
Without our control

Thank goodness i can
See beyond
Through immense struggle
Hardship
And grief
That it’s so much more
Than what the magazines
Movies
And perfectly made up pics
Of instagram show

So much more

Next time let me know
If you want to meet
For a heart to heart
As that is where
I shall reside
As I work
On loving myself
Just the way I am

With love,

Cynthia 

Inflammation in my body which caused a resistant-to-heal case of plantar fasciitis and severe adrenal fatigue kept me from playing tennis for over 3 summers. Feeling so much better with the autoimmune protocol (AIP) and my continued use of homeopathy and other holistic therapies, I was able to play tonight and wrote this poem when I got home. I am SO grateful for it all — it’s been 8 months now of healing now on AIP and I look forward to continuing to feel better and better and having the energy to do more things I love!

A Poem for Tuesday: These Moments of Joy

We played tennis under the
Purple and peach sky
Such beauty on this
Late summer night

We played as long as we could…
About 50 minutes
Until it was so dark
We could no longer see the ball
And Jaim said he saw a bat
Fly overhead!

Sadly night fell
By 8:00 pm
Fall and a l-o-n-g Minnesota winter
Are just around the corner

Gotta squeeze out
Every last bit of summer
And enjoy the warmth
While you can
Below zero days
Wind chills
Snow and ice
Are straight ahead!

With no more sunlight
To play our game
We packed up
And walked home
Smiles on our faces
And the pup Jonah
By our sides

It was a good night
And felt fabulous
To be on the court again
Only my 2nd time all summer!
I didn’t take a moment
For granted

I love my new tennis skirt
Conveniently holding
Two balls on each side
And my new shoes
For playing tennis?
I was able to move
Effortlessly around the court!

Running fast
To swing at balls
My feet completely healed up
They were feeling great!

And guess what?
With long volleys
And competitive shots
Back and forth
I forgot about the tooth pain
From my dental procedure
Just a bit!

That’s the miracle
Of getting outside
And doing something you love
It allows you to take
Everything else in stride!

The simple things
Are what matter so much
I’ve experienced enough pain
To learn this lesson
Better than most!

So I go to bed
With a thankful heart
Appreciating every moment
And thanking God–
These moments of joy
Sure fill me up!

Thank you God
Thank you
Feeling better
And more like me–
There’s just nothin’ better!

In Peace & Light,

Cynthia

Editor’s note: I am reading through this poem again tonight after publishing several hours ago and feel I should explain where I am coming from. Some days living with a chronic health condition can be extremely difficult and challenging beyond belief (as you know!). I believe it is important to feel these emotions when they come up and let them out. I did this in the form of writing this poem. I was feeling frustrated Saturday morning after waking up with a high blood sugar caused by my life being busy and not having the time needed for the self-care my body requires. I was reminded once again how much I have to give each day for my health to cooperate. I do try to see the glass as half full, but I am not afraid to let go of difficult emotions as they come up. I believe this release helps one to be healthier physically and emotionally as suppressed emotions can lead to physical manifestations in the body.

I’m guessing you might be able to relate to some of my feelings?!? If so, try writing a poem or journaling about it next time. In my experience, it really helps me move beyond what I am feeling at the time and feel more positive again.

Photo Credit: www.freevector.com

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