Just the way I am 

It seems to some
I only have worth
When I’m well
When I’m happy
When I’ve got
My act together

I’m sorry
But I cant be
That person for you
Not now
Not ever

You like pretty things
Women who are fashionable
With the right clothes
Makeup
Hair
And thin body size

I used to be that person
You’d adore
And then I had the
Unfortunate experience
Of contracting several
Severe illnesses
And other chronic
Health conditions

They take everything out of me
And challenge me
Every day

While some days I can look
Pretty
Many other days
I have no choice
In the matter

I look tired
Swollen and sick
Like I’m not trying
Or maybe like
I’m dying

But the truth is
I’m trying
Oh so hard
To heal
To look and feel
My best

I’d rather not have it
This way either
But I need to have
People who love me
For what’s on the inside
Because I can tell you
There is a whole lot of
Good in there

If beauty were the
Gleam and kindness in
My heart
You would see how true
And beautiful I am

And not judge me by my
Messy, sloppy bun
Amidst a head of hair
That needed to be washed
Days ago
Or my puffy face
Puffy body
Simple clothes
Untoned arms
And dark-circled eyes

Next time
When you are getting ready
To look pretty
Like you like
In yourself
And others
Remember that not everyone
Has a choice

Sometimes we wake up feeling
Awful
And this can last
For days or weeks
On end

That is why I choose
To surround myself
With those
Who can see the beauty in my heart
And not just what shows
On the outside

May you remember this
Next time you want
To judge me

So it seems
We each have a lot to learn
About what constitutes beauty

May I accept in myself
What I know
Is possibly
Only a temporary gift
In others
For the fortunate few
And how quickly
Things can change
Without our control

Thank goodness i can
See beyond
Through immense struggle
Hardship
And grief
That it’s so much more
Than what the magazines
Movies
And perfectly made up pics
Of instagram show

So much more

Next time let me know
If you want to meet
For a heart to heart
As that is where
I shall reside
As I work
On loving myself
Just the way I am

With love,

Cynthia